Morgana's Shocking Secret
by zat'nik'tel
Summary: When Merlin discovers a bizarre secret about Morgana, Arthur refuses to believe him. Crackfic. Season 1. NO SLASH!


Merlin burst into Arthur's room and quickly closed the door. For a few seconds, he stood silently listening. When he turned around, he tried to hide his obvious amusement from an irritated Arthur.  
"What do you mean by bursting into my chambers at this hour of the morning?" Arthur demanded, pulling on a shirt.  
"I am your servant," said Merlin quietly, still trying to conceal a laugh.  
Arthur's frowning face appeared in the neck hole of the shirt. "You're obviously hiding something. Out with it."  
Merlin choked. "H-hiding something?"  
"Tell me; then I want my breakfast," Arthur demanded.  
"All right." Merlin took a moment to compose himself. However, he couldn't keep a few little grins from appearing.  
Arthur folded his arms and glared. "I'm not going to wait, Merlin."  
"Morgana is bald," Merlin burst out.

For a few seconds, Arthur stood frozen, a disbelieving scowl on his face. Then, the scowl slowly melted into a idiotic grin. "Are you serious?"  
"She wears a wig. All the time except at night." Merlin's signature toothy smile made its appearance.  
"I have got to see this." Arthur pushed past Merlin into the hallway. Unfortunately, he didn't take notice of how hard he pushed Merlin, and his skinny servant face-planted into a heap of the prince's dirty laundry.  
Struggling to get out of Arthur's soiled socks, Merlin yelled, "You won't see it now. We'll have to wait until she goes to bed."  
Arthur's footsteps halted. "And how will we accomplish that?" He appeared in the doorway, glaring at Merlin.  
Merlin shrugged. "Hide in her room?" he asked innocently.  
"All right," Arthur huffed. "I suppose I can wait until tonight."  
Merlin nodded and began to tiptoe away.  
"Just a minute," Arthur called, walking to him.  
Merlin looked guilty. "...Yes, my lord?"  
"How did you find out that she's bald?"  
"Um...Gwen told me?"  
"And I'm a sparkling vampire," Arthur muttered.  
Merlin gave him a Look.  
"No, no, I'm not really a vampire!" Arthur sputtered.  
"It's all right," Merlin grinned, patting Arthur on the back. "I won't tell your father."  
"I just wanted to-never mind, I don't want to know how you found out," Arthur said, shoving past Merlin again to go into his room.  
Merlin was halfway down the hall when Arthur called to him. "What about when she takes a bath?"  
Pretending not to hear, Merlin quickly hurried toward the kitchens.

Anyone passing by Morgana's chamber early that evening would have been rather confused at the noises coming from inside.  
"Merlin, over here!"  
"No! That's where she keeps her...you know...clothes!" Merlin gestured to a certain private area on his body.  
Arthur's eyes widened. Gulping, he quickly stepped away from the chest.  
"The best place is under her bed." Merlin grabbed the Prince of Camelot and yanked him down.  
"You ever do that again, I'll burn all your scarves," Arthur snapped.  
Wide-eyed, Merlin touched the scarf around his neck, while Arthur nodded solemnly.

The door opened. "I don't think so, Gwen."  
The pair under Morgana's bed jumped at the sound of her voice.  
"Well, at least you're safe, my lady," Gwen said, beginning to turn down Morgana's covers.  
Suddenly, agonizing pain shot up Merlin's fingers. Horrified, he realized Gwen's foot was firmly smashing his hand into the stone floor. Contorting his face, he wiggled like a maggot in a hot frying pan. "Ahh..." he hissed, shoving a hand over his mouth.  
Arthur shook with silent laughter.  
"Did you hear that, Gwen?" Morgana inquired, putting down her brush.  
"No. Oh dear, I hope there aren't rats in your chambers."  
Morgana shook her head. "It didn't sound particularly like a rat."  
Arthur raised a disagreeing eyebrow.  
"Well, I'll keep my eyes open." Gwen crossed to the wardrobe and took out Morgana's nightgown.  
Breathing a sigh of relief, Merlin massaged his aching fingers.  
"She can't be that heavy," Arthur mouthed.  
Merlin gave him a glare that would have sunk a thousand ships.

Several hours later, two faces rose slowly over the edge of Morgana's bed. Since the filmy curtains were drawn, it was impossible to see the bed's occupant.  
Slowly, Arthur pulled the curtains back.  
Morgana lay on her side, facing the opposite direction, with a pillow covering her head. Still, if she'd actually had hair, it would have been showing. Carefully, Arthur began pulling the pillow away.  
Suddenly, Morgana flipped on her back, exposing a wide, snoring mouth.  
Arthur stared at Morgana's bare, polished head with equal parts of disgust and curiosity.  
However, Morgana chose that moment to let out a particularly loud snore, almost scaring Arthur out of his skin.  
Startled, the prince jumped back and tripped over something.  
Merlin cringed as Arthur fell backwards onto a dark heap.  
For a few seconds, silence hung over the room like a pair of dirty underwear. Then...

"EEEEEK!" Arthur's high, keening wail ripped the silence into jagged pieces. Quickly, Merlin jerked the curtains shut and crawled over to Arthur, scared of what he'd find. Had Arthur been impaled on a dagger? No, of course not. Morgana wouldn't keep one sticking out of the floor of her room...would she?  
"What is it?" Merlin gasped in horror.  
Trembling, Arthur pulled something from under his rear. A beam of moonlight caught the object held in the prince's shaking hand.  
It was one of Morgana's high-heeled slippers. On the long, pointy heel, a tuft of Arthur's clothes was caught, and the gaping hole in the seat of the prince's pants was more than enough for Merlin to figure out what had happened.  
Merlin couldn't hold in his laughter. Letting it out in an explosive burst, he sprayed the floor with snot. Tears leaking out of his eyes, he pounded the floor.  
"Who's there?"  
Morgana's cold, cutting voice chopped off the head of Merlin's laughter. It faltered and died, while Merlin realized the situation he was in.  
"Hurry!" he hissed at Arthur, grabbing the prince and dragging him out. Once they were safe several passages away, Arthur fell to his hands and knees. "I will not be able to sit down for a month."  
Merlin kept giggling, holding his aching stomach. "You screamed like a little girl," he wheezed in between cackles.  
"And you," Arthur replied in a deadly voice, "will scream like a ghost when I'm done with you."  
Merlin swallowed the rest of his laughter quickly, though every now and then a rogue snort would work its way into the open.

"Are you sure you don't want to sit down, Your Highness?" Merlin asked Arthur teasingly at the feast the next night.  
Arthur glared at Merlin, mindful of Uther's presence nearby. "No thank you, Merlin," he hissed dangerously.  
Merlin shrugged and smiled.  
Instead of her usual regal pace, Morgana walked in with a bit of a list to one side. "I don't understand it," she told Gwen. "I've only had these shoes for a week. The heel couldn't bend like that overnight."  
As Merlin began to laugh, Arthur smacked him in the back of the head.


End file.
